Ebone K's 5 Tips to Navigate the Grief Cycle

Grief is often misunderstood and misinterpreted. In a previous blog I discussed my different reaction to grief in response to the death of my beloved grandma. Here I will give some tips and suggestions for others who may be experience the worst of grief. The most popular explanation of grief comes from the Grief Cycle developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kesslere. Since their well develop cycle was released there have been a variety of different diagrams that have been created to better explain the complexities of grief. I will mention ahead of time that I do insert some of my faith in this blog post as well because that is just how I roll, just in case that's not how you roll! I will also mention there are other explanations of grief that are more linear. I prefer the circle because I correlate the cycle of grief with a circle because my own personal experience has been that I do feel at times I circle around back and forth between stages and that at times I also feel I am experiencing more than one at the same time and the circle allows that visual representation more than the linear. Lastly this blog post pulls from a variety of areas, my personal experience, my research, my expertise and my interactions with clients.

1. Recognize you are in a circle

Oftentimes we are going through so much that we don't realize how much something is affecting us. Sometimes it takes someone to point it out, sometimes we realize it and sometimes we just go about our lives and it is affecting us greatly with little awareness. As long as we are able to deny, sometimes it feels as if it doesn't exist. I like the above diagram because it correlates the anger, confusion and bargaining all together which is accurate emotions. We spend so much time in a confused state trying to figure out our feelings and often the true feelings are not recognized until we acknowledge a need for help.

2. Accept help

Many feel that you take this step at the acceptance stage, but I beg to differ. I believe that many wait until they are at rock bottom to really accept some type of assistance with their overwhelming emotions. I will use myself as an example. I know I need a therapist. I talk about it in another blog post. It doesn't feel like an urgent need for me right now because I am at a pretty self regulated state of mind, but I know I am on the line. It will just be a matter of time before the pressures of life overwhelm me and I have a slight emotional breakdown and that is when my conversation will lead to a search for a therapist AGAIN! I can't keep in this cycle without opening myself up to allow someone to assist me in looping around the circle a little more slowly.

3. Find something you love

I believe this happens in the acceptance and bargaining phase of the cycle. Your mind is beginning to clear because your brain is regulated and not responding to external stimuli as heavily. This is when you can really sit down and say to yourself "I love nature" and plan out a hiking schedule. The challenge comes when you cycle back around to depression and you don't want to do it, but you put plans in place on the other side to push your self out of the bed and do something you love so those endorphins can be released.

4.Don't Isolate

As an introvert this is so hard. And it is even harder for me because I talk to people constantly on my job so it is extra easy for me to shut down in most settings outside of my job. Isolation has its purpose in some cases such as when you need to clear your head, when too many people are giving you poor advice and when you need a spiritual cleansing (which I do often). When you are grieving, however, sometimes remaining in isolation only further exacerbates your depression. You must know that depression is a totally normal part of the grief cycle, but staying there is not conducive to everyday life. At some point you have to pull yourself through the circle. David Kessler explains it way better than me in the article. He says "This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality." I oftentimes give myself a pass when I come back around to the depression part of the circle and sit with it until I can circle back around. Keep following through the process even if you go back, keep with the cycle.

5. Keep Happy Memories Alive

I am better at this than much of my family. I have an inner resilience that keeps me from focusing on my loss. I just cannot get stuck in the place of missing my grandma. I am already gearing myself up for the death of my loved ones in the future. I don't know when they will no longer be with me, but I am proactive I take several pictures of my family whenever I get a chance, I constantly ensure they know how much I love them and I am constantly encouraging them to create memories. I want to remember the happy moments always.